The Journey So Far

At last writing I was just diagnosed with RA. Oh and the fun began. I was signed up for the Early Arthritis Inflammatory Clinic at the Foothills and assigned my Rheumatologist. It is predominantly an internship hospital so I was first examined by an intern. Before that, I had to fill out a couple forms, get weighed, measured, blood pressured. Walking into the clinic was an eye opener. At 38, I was the youngest person there at that time. When I met the Intern, she was really nice and the interview' was pretty in depth. When I finally met my Rheumy, I then felt like I was a patient on Greys Anatomy. While my dr. sat back and looked at me, the intern explained everything from my previous birth 7 years ago to what I ate for dinner (okay, not really but it sure felt like it). I felt like a specimen. Then came the hands on exam. Dear god could they not tell by the limping that going on my tip toes was not an option? After the torturous exam, they leave me alone for a bit. I will say, that leaving me in my own little world after that really makes a girl nervous!! What is going on, what are they doing? Why did they just leave me? Am I okay?? After about 20 minutes, my dr, the intern, and a nurse come back in and tell me that I have the onset of Severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. They want to treat it aggressively and ask me if this is okay.

Please keep in mind that being me, my mind is all over the map and they are now going to be throwing a bunch of medications, exercises, therapies, and information at me. How much will I remember?? OHHHH about 10% of it lol. My first thought is I want to call my mom. They are putting me on a drug called METHOTREXATE, Plaquinel, and Folic Acid. Methotrexate (MTX) is a low dose of chemotherapy and it is a real treat of a drug. Plaquinel is used when you have Malaria. Again, can you imagine what fun this will be? Folic Acid is for treating the nausea that is common while being on MTX. The nurse, is completely amazing, also gives me a shot for pain. Now I have had a lot of pain in my life, but it was like as soon as I started taking the meds, my body FREAKED!! It was to the point that I had to roll off my couch to stand. My legs hurt so badly I cried when I had to walk. My back seized up, my knees swelled, ankles were no longer visible, my hands fat and red, and it felt like the bones in my feet were cracking at every movement. This is what my life was going to be? Why even bother...one word..MY SON!

Now it has been 8 months since my diagnosis and I wish I could say that I am cured, life is grand and all is great in the world, but unfortunately this is not the case. I have now become an almost pro at injecting myself with medication. I went from 8 tablets of MTX a week, to injecting it into my leg or tummy once a week. Along with this increase, came the extreme nausea and my now non existent life because I'm was so sick I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days. I am now on what is called a Biologic - Enbrel, and injection, 6 tablets of MTX and Folic Acid 5 days a week. I am on week 2 of these new drugs and hoping they work. I am very much a trooper, but even I have my days of hate and despair.

Along with the RA, comes the judgement. I come across all kinds of comments now. 'I know how you feel, my feet hurt all the time'; you don't look like you are in pain, are you sure it's not all in your mind?; i woke up and my back hurts so much, you think your back hurts, mine is killing me! My favorite?? We thought you were a hypochondriac because you were always in pain. Live my life people. Walk in my shoes. I'm a single mom, raising a 7 year old, no child support, a lower paying full time job, day home, school fees, bills, groceries, MEDICATIONS, rent, and most of the time when I can, all i want to do is sleep. Going for groceries is a chore. Playing at the park is a chore. Playing with my son PERIOD is almost hell! I feel like a failure. My heart breaks that I can't do the things I want to do. I'm single, very alone, and no one understands what I am going through. There are days when of course I wish I could just walk away from it all, but I know that isn't possible!! My life is my own and I have a son to take care of. I want him to know that his mom is a fighter. All the way through his life and mine. The chances are very good that this disease will kill me and me living until I'm 90 are out of the question. Shouldn't I be doing what I can? But I'm tired! Sore, lonely, hungry, thirsty and broke. But I do have one thing. An amazing family, great son (who takes the brunt of my pain and frustration most of the time and it breaks my heart) but he is amazing. So when I hate life, I do see him and know he needs me. Broken or not. I'm all he has.